The Vampire Talent Show :
by TheTwilightPixie
Summary: The volturi are down 3 members and are looking for a new member with a talent .. hence vampire talent show.nearly all the vampires you hate/love are here showing there talent to the judges and only 1 can be picked. this is part 1 of 2 its funny :


The Vampire Talent Show

**Intro : hello everyone thanks for reading please feel free to comment/review. The basic story is Caius too like Bella in my previous story "Fell" under a bus and died when he and the bus "Fell off a cliff". after a while Jane, Marcus and Aro started getting a little lonely, especially when Demetri realised his relationship with Felix was a tad stronger than he taught and they ran off to Vegas to get married. So the Volturi are looking for new members to join the Volturi, and are looking for any vampire talented to do it hence "The Vampire Talent show" like duhh. **

**p.s to make this better I brought the nomads ( Laurent, James and Victoria) back to life. WHY ? I heard you ask and the answer is "because I can bitch", that line is going to be used a lot so when you see it say it out loud.. Practice run.**

**Edward : because I can bitch **

**Say it hehe, if your young and your mother is listening say "Bith" instead of "Bitch". **

**The Volturi are holding it at some stage and loads of vampires turned up because,.. Because they can bitch.( LOL this is my new catch phrase).**

**The Rules Of The Talent Show **

**.1. You must be a Vampire **

**.2. You must be cool **

**.3. You must be nice to the Volturi **

**.4. There is no forth rule **

The Vampire Talent Show

"_The Volturi are sitting in there big Chairs on a stage and are calling up all the Vampires that are auditioning, Jane, Marcus and Aro are the judge's and if the three of them say STOP well then like stop.. Why ? Because they can bitch"_

"_Aro stands up"_

Aro : Hello my brothers and sister thanks very much for coming. Again please read the rules and we will be happy to watch your auditions. When we call your name come to the stage and do your talent and we'll see who's going to be THE WINNER OF THE VAMPIRE !! TALENT !! SHOW!!-

Jane : He's worse than Ryan Secreast

Marcus : I know like jeez calm down swear they were getting paid for this

Random vampire : WERE NOT GETTING PAYED ?

Marcus : uhhhhh.

Jane :of course you think were just going to kidnap the winner and throw them in a bag forever

Marcus : is that not the plan

Jane : "cough" shut the "cough" f**k "cough" up

Marcus : why ?

Jane : BECAUSE YOU CAN BITCH !

Aro : And the first act….Kate Denali

"_Kate walks up"_

Jane : So what your talent

Kate : I shock people

Jane : what like in soap opera's like when Brad got with Kelly

"_The Volturi cry"_

Aro : WHY BRAD WHY ????

Marcus : what was wrong with Naomi

Marcus : I hate brad

Jane : I hate Kelly

Aro : kill them after this

Jane and Marcus : woohoo-

Kate : Nooo. Like I can Electcute people like this

"_Kate shocks Aro"_

Aro : AHHHHHHHHH.. WHAT !. IS ! . THE ! MATTER ! WITH ! YOU! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..

Jane : yes I agree.. We have open wires for your talent

Marcus : so BYE !

Jane, Aro and Marcus : Stop

"_Kate walks off stage, buzzing everything in sight with her anger"_

Kate : stupid lamp BUZZ. Stair BUZZ -

Aro : OK . James Nomad

"_James gets up"_

Marcus : And your talent is ??

James : I can track stuff

Marcus : what like food ?

James : yes. I can smell almost anything

Marcus : well go on

"_James puts his nose up to Jane"_

James : I'm getting a strong smell off fish off you

"_Everyone laughs at Jane, and she burns James to death"_

Aro : ok. Next Alice Cullen

"_Alice steps up"_

Aro : and your talent ?

Alice : I can see the future

Aro : really ?

Alice : based on what people decide

Marcus : How ?

Alice : Because I can Bitch !

Aro : and what is Jane going to do ?

Alice : she is going to at this minute…… rape Edward

Alice : wait now Emmett

Alice : wait Edward

Alice : Emmett

Alice : Edward

Alice : Emmett

Alice : Edward

Alice : Emmett

Alice : Edward

Alice : MAKE UP YOUR MIND WOMAN !!!!!!

Jane, Marcus and Aro : Stop

Alice : Emmett, Edward .. JASPER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jane : go away like NOW

Aro : Next…. Zafrina Amazon

"_Zafrina steps up"_

Jane : and what can you do ?

Zafrina : I can create any place you want and make you think your there-

Aro : RAINBOW PONY ISLAND !!!!!!!

Marcus : CAREBEAR FIELD

Jane : EDWARD CULLENS BEDROOM !

Zafrina : well. I can bring you to rainbow pony island, with care bears and grass and bring Edward ?

Aro, Jane and Marcus : that would complete my life

"_Zafrina does just that, Marcus makes daisy chains with the care bears, Aro rides ponies on rainbows and Jane rides (well rapes) Edward"_

Aro, Jane and Marcus : that was…. Great !

"_Zafrina steps down"_

Jane : I'm still light headed

Aro : and next …. DRACULA !

Jane and Marcus : what ?

"_Dracula steps up"_

Aro : And……. Your talent is

Dracula : I can say cool vampire stuff with a kind of German/Russian accent

Jane, Marcus and Aro : I'm intreeged

Dracula : I vant du zrink your vlood

Jane : WOW great…….. Next ?

Dracula : I vno tha vhis is znot svery entertaining zut-

Jane : shut up. You sound like that weird piazza man from italy GET OFF THE STAGE

Dracula : Zut-

Jane : GO !!!

Dracula : I'll zet vu zater

Aro : Ok…. Edward Cullen

"_Edward steps on stage"_

Marcus : so Edward have you a nick name ?

Edward : like what ?

Marcus : Eddie, Ed, -

Dracula from audience : VZWARD

Jane : LEAVE !!!!

Edward : well bella sometimes calls me Bronzey baby ?

Jane : ok .. Before I rape you again whats your talent ?

Edward : I can read minds

Aro : How ?

Edward : because I can bitch !

Marcus : ok . So what are we all thinking

Edward : well Aro is thinking about his rainbow pony saffire and when he will see her again, Marcus is thinking about how sad he is the Caius ran off with demetri and not him and Jane is thinking of me and silently singing the tom jones song sex bomb

Marcus : SEX BOMB SEX BOMB YOU'RE MY SEX BOMB

Aro : BABY YOU CAN TURN ME ON

Jane : Ow

Edward : Ow

Audience : Ow

Marcus : Ok.. That is VERY impressive thanks

Aro : OK next is …….. Laurent

"_Laurent gets up"_

Jane : Talent ?

Laurent : well I can say ABOSOULEY LETHAL and MOUTHWATERING sexingly and I tell jokes

Jane : amaze me ?

Laurent : Elevators smell different to a midget

"_Alice glares"_

Laurent : Two goldfish in a tank one says to the other how do you drive this thing

Marcus, Jane and Aro : STOP JEEZ STOP THE VERBAL ABUSE !

Laurent : but -

Jane : that's enough Bob Marly next ?

Aro : Ok were getting tired of these shitty acts so were going to call one random name from the list and like that's it .. SO Renesmee Cullen

"_Renesmee steps up"_

Jane : WHAT IS IT WITH THE CULLENS.. Whats your talent

Renesmee : I can show you things with my eyes

Aro : Oooooooooooooooooooh interesting

"_Aro, Jane and Marcus huddle up and Renesmee plays for them the memorie of her hunting"_

Jane : Boring anything else?

Renesmee: like ??

Aro : OOH GOD IT HAS TO BE TITANIC

Renesmee : plays titanic

Marcus : sorry it's a little blurry.. Can you update the quality?

"_Two hours, and three endless sobless tears later Renesmee stops"_

Marcus : if you think about it .. Shes a PORTABLE DVD PLAYER !

Jane : Amazing-

Aro : Ok well were going to narrow it down to 3 people and in the next show we'll tell you who won so that's all from THE VAMPIRE TALENT SHOW-

Jane : shut up

Aro : why ?

Jane : Because you can bitch

THE END OF PART 1 OF 2

**That's the end of this part like duhhh. But tell me who out of everyone you seen you would like to come 1****st****, 2****nd**** and 3****rd**** and which vampire you would like to see do a talent .. Chanx **


End file.
